“Okay-ish,” 3 Weeks Later

obituary photo of Scott Whitebird

Scott Whitebird, 1951-2021

It’s been over 3 weeks since my brother, Scott Whitebird, died.

I haven’t been blogging since then. I’m still waiting for words to regain some level of meaning or significance. Mostly, I’m “okay-ish.” Days come and go and I drift through them rather aimlessly, marking time while making no forward progress. Some days I simply cannot stay up. I lie back down repeatedly. Sometimes, I fall asleep, sometimes I just stare at the ceiling with unfocused eyes, waiting for something to nudge me forward.

Grief is an endless ocean, relentless waves pummeling me every day. Sometimes, it brings me a smile or a laugh — not even death can take away the joy I remember when I think of my brother. Sometimes, it leaves me stunned and silent, unable to move or reason or do anything beyond simply breathing in and out and continuing to exist in this weird world without my brother.

Music helps. Comedy helps. Talking to people who knew him helps somewhat.

But mostly, nothing really helps. I start to share stories about Scott and find myself smiling but still unable to simply sit and write some of them down. It will come in time. I may rely on the words of others more in the meantime, from my cousin Will’s lyrics to Granddad’s memoirs to the words & music of others. Texas troubadour and songwriting ion, Jerry Jeff Walker, probably said it best for me in his song, “Blue Mood.”

“I’ll be all right in time —
In a day or two, well, I’ll be fine.
But tonight, them blues
Got the last old laugh on me.”

I’ll be all right in time, my friends. Might be more like another month or two before I feel fine, but time passes and while it can never wholly heal the hole in my heart & soul, it brings me back time and again to the land of the living. Guess I’ll stay here awhile.

 

About bullersbackporch

I am a native Austinite, a high-tech Luddite, lover of music, movies and stories and a born trainer-explainer.
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1 Response to “Okay-ish,” 3 Weeks Later

  1. Jo Cook says:

    Hello, my name is Jo. I went to HCC and was lucky enough to have your brother as my professor twice. I just found out about his passing while searching his name, and wanted to reach out to someone and tell them what he meant to me. Though I only had him for two semesters I remember him fondly, he got me to look at literature in a new way and expanded my critical thinking skills. He was a good, patient man and a great professor. I still have my text book with all my sticky notes sticking out of it on my shelf, and the essays I wrote for his class, something I never do. I was so proud of all the work I did in his class. I was very lucky to have gotten to meet Professor Whitebird. Thank you for listening and sharing such a wonderful person with the word

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